Why Your Teen Needs A Job Description ASAP
I think we can all agree that parenting teens can be incredibly CHALLENGING, to put it nicely. After working with teens and their families since 2005, I've learned a few strategies that help parents help their teens to become independent, productive, young adults with less nagging, arguing and eye rolling along the way. How? I call it the Job Description. Let me tell you about it.
Keep an eye out for "The Job Description Part 2" video on YouTube in August! Here are some frequently asked questions I get from parents in my counseling practice as they put together their own teens' "Job Description."
Frequently Asked Questions When Creating a Teen’s Job Description:
What types of things should we include in our teen’s job description?
Choose your battles! Don’t exasperate your teen. Teens are bombarded by expectations from teachers, coaches, peers, future colleges etc. all day, every day. It feels OVERWHELMING to try to meet so many expectations. Keep your expectations limited to what is truly important to their safety and healthy development and let go of the rest! Note: Dying their hair blue is NOT important.
Some areas to consider:
-Responsibilities as a student:
-Getting themselves out of bed and ready for school (and to school on time for those who drive)
-Turning assignments in
-Communicating with teachers
-Asking for help
-Responsibilities as a roommate:
-Daily and weekly chores that contribute to the household
-Cleaning up after themselves
-Respectful treatment of family members
-Responsibilities as a citizen
-Obeying the law (driving or otherwise)
-Abstaining from substances
-Respectful treatment of others
-Responsible online presence
Can my spouse and I create the job description on our own without our teen’s input?
Creating a Job Description without your teen will not be as effective, and you may be missing the point! The job description isn’t a strategy to control your teen. The job description is designed to teach teen the essential skills they need to learn before they become independent: They must learn that they have choices and that while humans have free will, we aren’t free from consequences. Teens (and Human Beings, in general) want to feel like their opinions and feelings were considered. I assure you, it is more pleasant to consider their thoughts and feelings ahead of time, when they aren’t in hot water after making a bad decision. It’s a whole lot easier to deliver a consequence calmly when you know that they know that they agreed that this was a reasonable consequence for a reasonable expectation.
What if our teen doesn’t agree with us on what we think is reasonable?
Remain calm. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but the fact that your teen has a different opinion than you is actually a positive sign of their brain’s development! The major developmental task of the adolescent years is called individuation. Individuation is a frustrating stage for both teens and parents, because it is developmentally normal AND GOOD for teens to separate their identities (and therefore opinions) from that of their parents. This developmentally normal separation can feel rejecting and TERRIFYING to parents who are more aware of life’s pitfalls. Meanwhile, it feels oppressive and unfair to teens who don’t understand why their parents are so strict and protective. It is normal and even good to disagree! Now you negotiate. Here is your opportunity to model for your teen how it is possible to disagree and negotiate CALMLY.
How do we determine reasonable expectations, consequences and incentives?
Consider your teen’s level of development:
Older teens who are closer to graduation are capable of more responsibility and need more practice being trustworthy (AKA: given more freedom). Consider adolescence like a sliding scale. The closer the teen gets to graduating, the more freedom AND responsibility they should be entrusted with. Start early! 6th graders are capable of responsibility! Remember that teens are adults-in-training and are no longer children. Meaning: they are increasingly capable of making decisions for themselves…give them opportunities to practice doing so! Consult parents of teens that are the same age/grade as your teen that you respect in your teen’s community.
Consider SMART expectations and consequences:
S = Specific: If expectations aren’t specific, teens’ developing negotiation skills will capitalize on loop holes where they can argue that your expectation wasn’t clear and therefore don’t deserve the consequence. Save yourself the future argument and be specific!
Example:
X -Expectation: Clean your room weekly
vs.
√ Expectation: Your room is expected to be clean (1. free of dishes and trash, 2. Clean clothes folded in drawers/hung in closet and dirty clothes in the hamper 3. Nothing on the floor except furniture) by Friday at 5pm.
“Clean” is relative. Be clear and discuss AHEAD of time what “clean” means.
M = Measurable: Expectations, consequences and incentives should be able to be measured objectively, NOT by subjective evaluation.
Example:
X -Expectation: Be home at a reasonable hour.
vs.
√ Expectation: Be inside our house by 9pm on Sunday-Thursday and 11pm on Friday-Saturday.
By having measurable expectations, you just saved yourself the grief of your teen trying to argue that they don’t deserve the consequence “because they were home: they were just “hanging out” in the car parked in front of the house.”
A = Attainable: When goals and expectations are attainable, teens feel good about themselves and the relationship with their parents. When expectations feel unattainable, teens may try to meet the expectations initially, but when it feels impossible, many give up and either blame their parents as being unreasonable or they blame themselves for being a failure…neither of these outcomes lead to healthy teens. Don’t exasperate your teens by having unattainable expectations. Remember that expectations are the MINIMUM requirements you expect from your teen to deliver. Give them room to impress you!
Let’s assume you have a student that is NOT struggling with issues that make learning difficult (For students that have a mental or emotional disorder that makes learning in a traditional environment difficult, you will want to work with professionals to scale expectations and consequences accordingly):
Example:
X- Expectation: ZERO missing assignments.
vs.
√ Expectation: No more than one missing assignment per class, per semester.
If you really want the perfection of zero missing assignments, incentivize it. Do NOT make perfection the minimum requirement. We have an epidemic of anxiety and depression due to perfectionism. Despite what you may believe, perfectionism is NOT a healthy trait to pass on to your teens.
R = Reasonable: If your expectations and consequences are severely different from your teen’s peers, you are likely to be seen as unreasonable and teens often will start lying and get better at hiding their behavior to survive the perceived oppression, rather than trying to work with you. When you seem unreasonable compared to other parents in their world, they start to see it as your problem, not theirs. If your religious beliefs or cultural values make your expectations extremely different from those of your teen’s peers, you may want to acknowledge this with your teen: that while you hope they will share your faith and values as they make decisions for themselves, you know that you can’t make that decision for them once they are adults and that they will soon have the freedom to choose their own behaviors related to faith and cultural values, but in the meantime, your expectations reflect what is reasonable among other families of similar religious and/or cultural values.
T= Time-bound: Teens need to know that there is an end date to their consequence, otherwise, they are likely to break more rules if punishments go on too long. Punishments over two weeks long have a diminishing rate of effectiveness. Teens (and people in general) HATE when you make them do a chore when they are focused on something else. Consider deadlines for routine chores and offering an incentive for performing spontaneous chores immediately at parent’s request.
Example:
X -Expectation: Immediately perform chores the first time I ask you to.
vs.
√ Expectation: Your daily listed chores are expected to be done by 9pm each evening. Your weekly chores are expected to be done by Sunday night at 9pm.
How severe should consequences be?
Consequences should be severe enough that they make meeting your expectation seem like the better option from your teen’s perspective. BUT consequences shouldn’t be so severe that you waver on following through. You hurt your credibility as a parent and weaken the integrity of the Job Description any time you don’t follow through on the agreement.
As far as length of time, from my experience, consequences lasting more than two weeks have diminished effectiveness. Teens need to be able to see that there is light at the end of the tunnel to avoid giving up and making more bad decisions while serving the terms of their current consequence.
When should I deliver consequences for unmet expectations?
You should deliver consequences when you can do so calmly. Feel free to take some time to calm down before delivering the consequences. It doesn’t have to be immediate, just as long as you follow through at some point. Take some time to vent to the support people in your life, take long, deep breaths, pray, take time to think logically (rather than emotionally) about the most effective way to respond, not what you “feel” they deserve. We are far less effective when we are feeling anxious, worried, stressed, angry, frustrated, resentful, etc. Read more about how to regulate your emotions for more effective parenting by clicking here.
Why should I offer incentives to my teen for doing what is expected of them?
You’re not! You’re offering incentives for a teen’s choice to EXCEED your expectations. While I believe expressing appreciation for simply meeting expectations encourages and inspires your teen to continue because it improves the positive:negative interaction ratio, offering incentives is reserved for making the decision to go above and beyond your expectations.
What if we want to change an expectation, consequence or incentive?
-You should! Contracts should have the flexibility to be amended….just not in the midst of an argument about a current unmet expectation. Follow through with the consequence as originally agreed upon and then afterward, you are free to negotiate a new agreement for FUTURE expectations.
What if my teen isn’t bad, they are just forgetful, distracted, busy with activities, etc?
I’m so glad you asked this question! You’re right: your teen isn’t bad, they are just a teen and NOW is the time to teach them very important skills while they are still in the safety of your home! How do you teach a forgetful/distracted/busy teen what they will need for adulthood? ALLOW YOUR TEEN FAIL and do NOT rescue them from natural consequences. Once again, the Job Description isn’t a behavior contract, it is a strategy for teaching teens skills that they will need in adulthood!
For example, if your teen has a tendency to forget their lunch, homework, books, uniform etc. at home, do not deliver it to them at school! They are not going to be able to afford a trusty personal assistant when they move out, so they need the opportunity to learn from their mistakes! We learn faster from our failures. When we play with fire and get burned…we learn it hurts and we choose for ourselves not to do that again.
A teen who is rescued from the pain of not having his/her lunch, homework, required book, uniform, etc. is robbed of the motivation to learn important life skills such as: PLANNING AHEAD and packing all the needed items for the next day in their backpack the night before and setting reminders on their phone for the things they can’t pack until tomorrow.
“…But he won’t get to play in the final championship game if I don’t bring him his uniform!” If you MUST bail out your forgetful teen, AT LEAST make it an exchange that they would be likely to encounter in the real world: negotiate a trade like any adult would with a roommate, friend or a co-worker: “I will bring you your uniform, if you… give the dog a bath this Saturday.” Your teen will groan (if they are used to you serving them for free), but you are making it painful enough that they are more likely to learn from their mistake and learn how the real world works: I do a favor for you: you do a favor for me. Remember to REMAIN CALM and FOLLOW THROUGH while negotiating a trade with your teen.
What if every time we try to sit down to create the job description with our teen, it erupts into a fight or my teen simply refuses to participate?
If you can’t make progress on your job description, you may need a referee to offer some hope for fair peace talks. It makes sense if you put yourself in your teens shoes: If “talks with the parents” haven’t gone in your teen’s favor in the past: lectures, rules, consequences, disappointed parents, etc. your teen may understandably be wary of sitting down to hear about the expectations you have for them. In truth, your teen would probably rather gouge his/her eyes out. If you’ve tried with limited success, it may be time to call a therapist that specializes in working with teens and their families. Therapists that specialize in teens understand how to communicate, connect and gain trust of this sensitive age group. In my practice, I present the Job Description in a way where teens understand that it is a strategy to achieving the freedoms they want AND offers a chance at a peaceful relationship with their parents. Teens really do care about what their parents think and want to please them, IF they believe the respect is mutual and they believe meeting their parents’ expectations is attainable.
A note of encouragement…
Yes, they think they know everything and act as if you are ridiculous and don’t know anything. Hang in there…they are likely to apologize for their teen years as soon as they are parents themselves!
Recommended Further Reading:
